Surviving in Amreeka for Desis

(a) You need to set up a voice mail , in which you have to accent-ise every word . Yes, no one is going to leave you a voice mail.

(b) When you speak to an American and he doesn’t follow what you are saying, make sure you say the same thing with more accent. Stretch your U’s , make your A’s sound like Aaaah’s.). If he still doesn’t get it, in all likelihood he is deaf or he thinks you are a retard.

(c) You have to say Jesus Christ to express shock even if you are a sworn Hindu . You may insert the ‘F’ word in the middle in times of calamity. After the crowd has heard you, switch back to praying to Ganesha.

(d) In the phrase, “Oh-my-God. That’s so awesome” . The So has more than 10 O’s.

(e) ”Hey , wasssup ? ” has to be your standard greeting. Anything other than this automatically reduces your american-ness.

(f)Do the knuckle punch, when you say “Hi”. When you do that, make sure you don’t make your mouth look weird.

(g) Make sure that you have an american name or an abbreviation for your name. When you do that, kindly make sure it has atleast one alphabet from your Indian name.For example, Tom cannot be your nickname if your your name is Dwarapalaka Rajasekara Reddy . However, you are eligible to keep ‘Ted”‘. The ‘E’ helps.

(h) Use google to find out about the ‘grooovy’ eat outs . Make a list.Make sure that you know how it is pronounced . Learn the most popular dish out there. Start telling your Indian friends that you have been there and had that.Practice hard. This is to just make sure that when the American talks to you about that place, you don’t have to feel like he is abusing you.

(i) Anything red is not MEAT. They also use tomatoes.

(j) Please do not say ” Gimme a Veggie burger” . It sounds like “Please gimme a Wedgie Burger”.

(k) Do not do any of the above to  Desis. With desis you can still say “Maa ki…” to express shock and veggie for veggie burger and not set up a voice mail.

To be continued…

The last conversation

I woke up to a really drunk sky that day. It was looking like those doped chimpanzees that they show in scarey science fiction movies where the doctor accidentally lets a mutated 8 feet animal loose. Loose enough to kill the scientist first. Mad enough to decimate everyone within 100 miles of its reach later. It was fitting that the last image I will have of the beautiful morning blue sky is that of darkness . It seemed to reflect the pain and suffering I have been through over these last few months .Five months to be precise. My wife was sleeping happily in her bed like she always does, innocently oblivious to the problems that was wide awake between the two of us. The woes were far and few initially, but it has become more of a tangible structure now . One that requires immense effort to be broken down. Both me  and my wife could hardly afford such time, for time was a precious commodity that could only be wasted on useless melodramatic TV serials and cricket matches. I didn’t want to disturb her , I got up brushed my teeth and performed the other mundane activities without making much of a clutter in the house. The previous night had been peaceful. We didn’t fight and it was that I wanted her to remember me with.  Not the perpetually angry, useless son of a bitch husband who could do nothing but scream on top of his lungs. Thankfully, we didn’t have kids. Kids just create ruckus and make the house a living nightmare.Yes, they are cute, sweet and their cheeks are pullable, but when they grow, they become mean. Mean with a capital M. Mean machines and monsters who become a by product of the environment they are brought up in. Given that me and my wife shared a rapport that would put David and Goliath to shame, we decided that we will put aside and I am quoting her now ” Complicated  and unnecessary things such as sex ” .  I am an educated man and I have been patrolling the streets of Chennai , thanks to the education scene which makes even 95 percentagers look like seals. In such a brutal world , what will become of a 45 percentager? Eight years of unemployment of course. After eight years five months and three days I landed a job that did not involve stealing, drug pedaling or human trafficking.

I sell black tickets in the railway ticket counter. The government’s smart card worked like those airtel recharge vouchers and I just sat there by the machine from morning to night without much physical and intellectual activity except for the occasional flexing of my arms to hand the tickets to the customers, who paid 50ps over the tops to beat the queue. I made around two hundred and fifty bucks a day. All was well , till the railway police felt a sudden pinch in their pockets and decided to run amok. Run amok they did. They turned me upside down and took away every single coin from my pocket. Even the ones that I hid in the secret compartment. Filthy buggers.

The misery was about to end though. Rather I was putting an end to it . I didn’t have parents so as to speak. I didn’t have a child hood. I didn’t have what they called youth. In short, I didn’t have a life. I just existed like those stones which lie on the road  just to be kicked around by children. Even those pebbles brought about a smile across a few faces. I would gladly swap my life with just about anyone. Even with the goddamned neighbor of mine who was just about useless as I was , but lived on shamelessly with a smile. Family, joy, happiness and money. These four words have been more or less wiped from the lexicon of my life.I stood there in the railway station along with the countless other passengers. I waited for the train to arrive, to take me to some random place where I would live the rest of my last day without causing a hubbub.  The world would definitely not miss me .I doubt if my wife would miss me too .I wouldn’t miss them too much either. The train arrived blowing its horn . It was not too crowded and I moved from compartment to compartment hoping to the one where I could at least get a seat. It was my last journey after all. I found a compartment which just had one guy sitting all alone by the window listening to the wind whistle in his ear . I took a seat opposite to him with the hope of establishing a conversation if the journey gets too boring. His hair had a striking resemblance to mine, only a little greyer . His face was slightly wrinkled and his shirt was stained with blood.

“I was waiting for you. What took you so long? “  he said.

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

I wanted to ask him “Who the fuck are you?” ,  in the nicest way possible. It would not be very smart to offend blood stained people.I did a “ Who me? “  gesture and popped out those words too.

“Yes.Who else? It has been one boring journey,ain’t it? “  .

“Boring journey? “  , I asked unsure of how long he has been sitting on that goddamned train. It had just been running for the six minutes. The stop I got on was the second one.

“You know. Life in general . Isn’t it one sick journey? ” . Welcome aboard Krish express, in which any one remotely associated with me will experience the feeling of boredom. I still couldn’t get the part where he was waiting for me to give me some random bull shit on life and the journey.

“ I couldn’t agree more . Do you have a cigarette on you, by any chance ? “  . I was a compulsive smoker and identifying fellow smokers was easy. The black ring of tar around his lips was a giveaway. He checked every possible pocket and came out with nothing.

“ If only there was a rewind button. Something that could take us to the past and undo certain things ” . I wasn’t quite sure to which point I would rewind. It had been miserable from the outset. He was striking the wrong chord with me and with precision.

“Oh most certainly .”  I wanted to keep the conversation short. He had an eerie thing about him ,this man.

“How about days when you were just married?”. Did they interest you much? ” . I wanted to tell him the truth. I really did want to, and stop him from taking random hits at my life. Memories that I wanted to forget and move on with my life. Whatever was left of it anyway. I didn’t reply anything.

“Maybe you didn’t try hard enough ” . His words were piercing me. Every passing minute was difficult with this son of a bitch.   I thought they didn’t allow people to live peacefully. Seems even dying can’t be peaceful. I really hoped that after life was not filled with nosy bastards like the one sitting in front of me today.

“Maybe , you always took the easier route. You know, the one that seemed easiest at that instant ” . His words were few , but they were as sharp as hell.  My mind raced backwards and forwards across the sea of memories. Heck , nothing is private. Not even your unemployment and conjugal woes.

“Listen mister,I am screwed up or might have been screwed up. You have nothing to do with that. Just mind your business and piss off” . I just took out my life’s frustration on some random guy whom I barely knew. Not even ten minutes.

“You know, I might actually have . More than what think. Just give it a thought . You don’t have much  too time I guess.”  he said and got up to go closer to the exit.

“Sir, your lace “  he said.

“Take care of yours first “  came the curt reply. The train halted with a screech and he got off there and didn’t turn back at  all.

I looked down and saw my laces . They were untied. As I bent down to tie them, I felt a sharp pain across my stomach. There was a blood stain on my shirt.

The king’s prophecy – part ii

Blood and lust are two things a king can never shy away from and I am no different.I have five wives, yes five beautiful women who service my needs whenever I want them to. Don’t get judgmental too early.History has thought me that  in order to be a powerful ruler,you need to have multiple wives. And a good ruler knows his history like the back of his hand.   I made a grave mistake yesterday, I killed the white haired man’s son . We had him captured him a few weeks back , and locked him up in our dungeons.I went on my usual rounds to visit my prisoners and there he was sitting like a goose , without pride . In a moment of madness , I killed him and sent his head back , just to remind him that his crown prince has been decapitated.  I am sure he would have cried , like any father would on seeing his son’s motionless head .

” Shenshah , we will protect you with every drop of blood we have. We will have a thousand of our best horsemen surrounding your palace. Not even an insect will move in unnoticed .  But you ,please sit inside the prison cell. You will be safest there. Even if anyone breaks through our infantry, no one will expect you to be there. It will give us enough time to protect you if any thing untoward happens”  .   I acquiesced to my bishop Matsya’s suggestion. For once, he seemed to sound smart. Smarter than the whores who roam around across my kingdom . As a reward for his intelligence I asked him to play the game of chess on my behalf. ” The minute the sun sets, the prophecy will cease would have failed. I will live a hundred years.” . A king by default is haughty and it is part of the education we receive. Always blow your own trumpet loud enough so that it echoes across the seven rivers. It keeps the enemies at bay , they said. Walking across the gallows is quite familiar for me . After all I have to hand pick the thirty two people who will play each other today.  The prisoners gathered near the cell and sang hymns in praise of me. After a few years of listening to the same chants, your ear drums feel exasperated and you want to scream out “  Just get to the point, enough of fawning and bootlicking ” , Alas, if only being a king was as simple as being a minion.

I wandered around the cell in squares, triangles , circles and in every other geometrical shape I had learned in my childhood.Suddenly I heard chaos outside. The boisterous crowd were screaming and I felt blind. I wished I had a Sanjeeva like how Dhirudirishtra had in Mahabarata to see how the people, my people had turned blood thirsty like vampires.How I wish magic and sorcery existed.And then silence. The bishop must have made his move? Did he start the game like how I used to start?I sat in my cell helplessly hoping against hope that the guard would tell me what was happening outside.

The sun light was slowly diminishing and soon I would have defeated the prophecy. The very prophecy that threatened my existence in this world. There was a loud cheer again . Maybe, the game was heading towards a result? Was the dumb bishop smart enough to win?  I cannot afford to lose. The sun slowly set , and there was darkness in the prison cells. I had won the battle . I have conquered Death and the thought of living a hundred years made me smile.Almost immediately,my cell was opened by the servant who must have been instructed by the bishop to have it opened upon sunset and I went back to my palace. My safe haven henceforth. The chants of  ” All hail the King ” grew louder . I went and stood outside my balcony to smell the fresh air of victory. The victory over the prophecy. ” You made a mistake yesterday Sire, you shouldn’t have killed him. He was my son. “  and sunk a knife through my back , and stabbed me twice.  I fell down on my knees turning and looked at my conqueror . He had the turban on his head no more, the turban a bishop should have. His white hair flowed down like silk , on his shoulder.“Matsya? You..?” . The white haired bastard looked at me and smiled and stabbed me again . Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the moon move away . The sun shone again. It had been a solar eclipse.

The King’s Prophecy

“ Eight days after a full moon day, when the Gods celebrate the birth of one of their own , you shall meet a worthy foe. In Him , you will see your failures and your wrong doings . To Him , you shall surrender and bend down – out of respect and  fear. Fear that he will vanquish you . He will be a force so powerful that he can conquer a thousand elephants. And you shall be reduced to mere dust – a fragment of your existence .” 

There were not many things that befuddled me. Did I tell you who I am ?  I am the great warrior – the conqueror of conquerors , the king of kings . A prophecy will lead to my downfall ?  Macbeth may have fallen to the clairvoyance of witches , but not all kings are Macbeths and not all prophecies will come true. “Sire, Kamsa the King was slayed too. A prophecy came to life ” . I used to like my court adviser till that day.He was my eyes in places where my vision failed me. He was my ears around the empire where people badmouthed their own siblings . He dares to disrespect a king and allude his downfall?  Put the bastard behind bars. I was not a tyrant though , not by any stretch of imagination .

The funny thing about all these prophecies are, you either believe it or you don’t. However if you are the one, the prophecy is about, restless nights will certainly ensue. It’s been almost a year since he had spoken those words. It had been buried deep within my mind, behind my memories , behind some embarrassing incidents that no one in his right mind will speak of. Over the last 336 days, I slayed them all , like how a butcher does. I did not spare anyone in my vicinity – I killed them all . The Danish , the Spainards , the  Mughals and even the lazy Maharaja of Krishnapur who can’t even kill a hen for lunch , let alone kill an emperor .Except for the white haired bastard who evaded me every time I tried to conquer him .Was he the one, the prophecy was talking about?  Every full moon day, I sacrificed a goat to the temple as the priest had asked me to. It would give me a longer life , he said. Perhaps it was the goat’s blood that was making me live in spite of the opium that has filled my lungs since childhood.

The old man had predicted that if I live past the said day, I would live on for one hundred years. The entire world would be at my feet and I would be worshiped like how a God should be worshiped. Every fortnight,  the entire empire gathered.Children, dying men, women, whores, witches got together at the field to witness massacre. Yes, you saw it correct. Murder. My thirst for blood was not as much as Aurangazeb’s , but I had my own system in place to punish the scoundrels and traitors.  Thirty two handpicked prisoners played chess for me, while I called shots sitting atop my well protected terrace. The surviving players walked away free . Free to live , only to be summoned fifteen days later for another game.  Fifteen days had passed since the last game and today  the entire empire would come together. The coincidence was far too obvious to ignore.  The breakfast arrived in my bed . Before I put my lips to the food, three people taste it. Just to make sure, it is not poisoned. A man who lives in fear of death dies a thousand times and today, just for today I was a walking example to prove that. I summoned my cook and asked him to eat the food from my plate. “Maharaja. From yours?”. ” Yes.” As the food made its way through his throat,  he gasped for breath. With a horrified look on his face, he fell down to the floor clutching his throat , spitting out food. “I didn’t do it. I promise Maharaja. I did not. ” . And he died. I made my way to the prison cell where my adviser was housed. What is so special about today, Dhruva ? “Oh today is the eighth day after full moon in the month of Shravan – Lord Krishna’s birthday ”

                                                                                                                                      …………………………….. to be contd.

The god of thunder. Oh, what a blunder!

Its the 31st of May. Pirates of The carribean , Hangover 2 , Kungfu Panda have made their way to cinema halls near me.Given that Murphy has been using me as his prime example to elucidate his law ,  getting tickets for these movies were quite literally impossible. Through divine intervention in more than one way, Thor would be my destination for the evening. After shelling out 140 bucks, you expect a certain level of entertainment and Thor provides it. With high level talks between India and America for bi-lateral trade , etc. proceeding in the right direction , Thor provides this free kick to the rear side. Thor will be referred in future generations as the catalyst for the growing love between India and US. The first half seemed right out of Marvel comics , with its grandeur and setting. The second half of the movie looked like a stolen page from a bollywood flick sans the mindless running around trees .

Thor proclaimed as King by his father attempts to destroy  the race of scary looking red eyed icemen . His father gets quite angry and banishes Thor to the underworld ( earth) without his hammer  .As a story , Thor reminds us gently of  Mahabarata . However there is no saree pulling and dice games. Its just a scheming sibling kicking out his elder brother by hitting on his weakest spot .Think of it as yudhishtra outsmarting a Bheema with Bheema being the eldest son . Throughout the first half, Thor looks like he is straight out of the South Indian movies. He screams, he punches his fist and kicks out the bad guys. In short he is the Rajni Kanth of the heavens .  Thor , quite literally looking like a Greek God with his macho physique gets help from the ladies. Natalie Portman and Kat dennings take turns to brush shoulders with Thor.Thor finds himself woefully out of place . He hogs like a wild boar and has the traffic sense of a black cat, which lends comic relief to the movie.

Second half is a cocktail of scenes from Indian movies.

Scene 1 :

Our hero’s friends come down from Thor’s land to take their King back . There is a metallic beast ( from ‘Robot’ or ‘Endhiran’) loose . What does our hero do? He jumps and applies Karan Johar’s Senti law number 1 : When there is a 20 feet beast killing every one in sight, all you have to do is go near and talk to him . Tell him “  You don’t have to do this ” and ” I am sorry .” . The beast will wag its metallic tail just like a dog does at the sight of biscuits.

Scene 2 :

Hero wants to go back and he is scared that the relation might not work out. Heck, it is long distance relationship . Explains to her that he is just a few galaxies away. Heroine turns into Indiana Jones and treasure hunts inside Hero’s lips. Ultimately comes out with a few tears.

Scene 3 :

Hero goes back to his home ground and the dying father gives him his power back. He does a “I – am – back – bitch ” maneuver stylishly knocking away ice villains and locks eyes with his brother. Camera stays still for a few seconds to make the viewers understand the gravity of the situation .Unfortunately the gateway to earth is broken in the battle. Thor almost kills his brother when Karan Johar’s second senti law comes into action : If you are the hero and when there is a sibling who is about to die, save him. Particularly when he just attempted to kill you 20 minutes back .   However Thor forgot the corallary to the above law which states ” If you are the villain and if the hero saves you from death , make sure you try to kill him once more . Just to prove a point! ” .

Scene 4 :

Both the brothers are hanging on for dear life .The villain is holding on to hero’s foot. It is within that space of few minutes that he realizes he had been wrong all through his life. What does he do? Ofcourse let go and die.

Scene 5 :

Thor becomes king. Hero is happy. Hero’s parents are happy. Yet there is something missing.  He goes to the broken gateway. Asks the gatekeeper ” Is she there ? What is she doing ” .  Camera goes few billion miles downstairs. She picks up her Hubble telescope to see Thor and they draw curtains leaving it wide open for Thor 2 . How Thor develops ‘Skype for Heavens ” to video call his love.

 

p.s. The closest thing the movie got to POTC was that Thor’s dad had an eye patch . And how can i forget pronouncing Thorr with a few extra R’s.That Pirate feel!

Individuality and how we are losing it

Mark Zuckerberg – Time magazine’s person of the year 2010 , is probably the fourth most recognized geek in this world after Bill Gates , Steve Jobs, Sheldon Cooper. Ever since his brainchild ” The Facebook ” was launched , it has not only captured people’s interest, it has made them switch loyalties(from orkut) and has even made them act like  prisoners – writing on walls, get poked by people you don’t know.  A multi million dollar movie did his company no harm as the visibility of Facebook grew by leaps and bounds. People started connecting more , connecting to this entity – a man’s work of art in just white and blue ,perhaps more so because of the mesmerizing silver screen  . His reputation took a dent though, as Zuckerberg was often related to as a man who was ruthless and as someone who would go any distance to get what he wants. Mark Zuckerberg might be the bespectacled Computer geek , but he surely knew his history. Success has always beckoned people who were ruthless and meticulous in their approach and Mark Zuckerberg was no different . Brought up in a Jewish household , he has come a long way from his upbringing – someone who had his bar mitzhvah at the age of 13 to someone who slaughtered goats and pigs at the age of 26 as part of the sustainable living project.

Now the intent of this piece was not to bring to light information which Wikipedia will gladly oblige. The idea is to highlight how the  routine of  almost half the world is influenced by what a certain man thinks. The swagger is undeniable and the love is unquestionable – like it or not , Mark Zuckerberg has entered our lives and has become a permanent resident. Facebook status messages now reflect the pulse of a person better than his actual demeanor  and heated discussions ranging from politics to cricket find its common roof under Facebook. Slowly but gradually, the world is moving towards a new kind of social system – one where people’s popularity are gauged by the number of likes for their status posts . Smart comments are seen as ways to stamp superiority . Some people are tagged , others targeted. Facebook applications calculate Friendship , Love , Hate and even predict who is going to kill you! Some of them are funny and are supposed to be swallowed like those tonnes of tablets that we have been taking in since childhood .Again , there is always someone with a hiccup or two. Every event has an update – be it a trip to the cinemas or even a barber shop . People are slowly being driven by what others ‘like’ and perceive as good and not what they actually stand up for or represent. Ofcourse there are a million instances that will contradict my statement.  A not so typical ‘What if ‘ would be the perfect answer to that.  What if it was just a way to say they stand up for it(probably not fully) and they are proud of it and they want you to recognize the pride? A partial belief can be interpreted as fanaticism with just a few powerful statements. Should this madness end? Are we acting like puppets to this invisible hand which is guiding us towards a world where people are inching towards living two personalities? One what they actually are and the other which they want the world to perceive. Or is it just a hypochondriac doing what he does best? Over reacting to a situation which is non-existent?  Just take a minute to analyze what life was before the advent of the blue and white of Facebook. Imagine .

The truth however is that,in our attempt to connect with millions we are implicitly losing our individuality and idiosyncrasies to something that is non-tangible . Science has indeed taken over.

This blog post could actually be an attempt to garner more likes and increase my reputation in the new social scale . Is it because it is fashionable to go against the ‘ herd ‘ , or is it because I believe in what I said?  I don’t even want to know.

P.s. We all know the advantages of Facebook , i.e. Connecting people , etc. etc.  Its just too boring to write about how FB brings long lost brothers into contact and how it can be used for spreading messages. We all know that!

‘Royal’ ly massacred

Mumbai india had their colonoscopy performed by the rather enthused Rajasthan Royal clan. Opting to bat on a not so mysterious track, Sachin Tendulkar survived an absolute plumb lbw shout before struggling in one of his less fluent innings. Ofcourse Mumbai boast of  people like Kieron Pollard in their ranks, whom they use only in the name sheet. They have kept the big giant west Indian in Fixed deposit in Kumbakkonam Farmer’s bank and he looks worse than a rusted piece of metal with his club. Yes, he can hit. But Mumbai Indians are keen on restricting him to play station and video games alone. Which brings us to the second question of the day – If symonds is not batting nor bowling? Why is he playing? If the team management were of view Bhajji would get motivated, they have surely got it wrong .He got absolutely clobbered by Watson and ended with such a tiny face that he would have given the Smurfs some tough competition! Oh btw, Rohit Sharma was pretty good in his knock! Finally some responsibility taken up by the wasteful right hander!

Malinga’s slingas were hardly on target and he got taken apart by Mr.Watson . Watson was looking like a character taken out from Gladiator and sent into this time machine fast forwarded by few centuries to annihilate the Mumbai Indians. Annihilate he did. Turbanator was sent for three boundaries on the trot, Malinga couldnt’ stop smiling and Gavaskar started screaming more and more into the mic as the Mumbai Indians slipped towards another sorry defeat. Warne will take this farewell gift- he didn’t have to bat!  Should punjab beat DC and KKR beat mumbai ,  the IPL chapter will close at Wankhade after having promised so much.

Oh btw, I didnt’ see Nita Ambani today. Was she even there? And just a point , do MI always lose when Kieron Pollard misfields?!

#19

This comes from a ‘high’ or the ‘giddy’ of knocking Liverpool right off their fucking perch. Yes, the one they were seated on like a fat arsed crow refusing to budge. United have respectfully folded eight of their ten fingers and showed the twin towers right on Liverpool’s face .  The problem with statistics is that as an Aberdeen boss once said , they are like mini-skirts , they give you good ideas and hide the most important parts. Now,United have clearly torn those mini skirts into a thousand parts. Even if you take a look at it from thousand and one angles it is going to reveal only one thing , loud and clear – the naked truth . The truth that Manchester United are seated on top of the tree.  As pointed out by Football’s Saba Karmis and Navjoy singh siddus’  this United side might not be the most adventurous and glamorous side , but it is one of the more effective ones.

5 games that changed United’s season

1) United 1 – 0 Arsenal  at Old Trafford

A typical cagey encounter between two top of the table sides. United packed their midfield and Park-Ji-Sung drove home a finish from Korea with love.

2) United 1-0 Bolton at OT

Johnny Evans had a low IQ moment. Berbatov found himself feeling like Einstein of footballing world. 1-0 to the red devils .  It was late drama , btw!

3)  United 4 – 2 West ham Away

One of the united performances after pulling on the white colors. Trailing 2-0 at half time, United responded back like how they did against Tottenham a few seasons back.

4)United 3-2 Blackpool Away

Trailing 2-0 at half time. Hair dryer . 3-2 win. Yawn. A run of the mill story.

5) United 2 – 1 Chelsea

Touted to be the title decider , United took 30 seconds to take lead. 26 minutes to establish their credentials . 77 minutes to scare. 90 minutes to make SAF bow towards stretford end.

Cheers to the nineteenth !

Few Conclusions from CSK vs DD

Chennai Super Kings performed the last part of the vasectomy for Delhi in front of  their  ‘excited’  home crowd. Playing in front of a not so packed venue, where I was present live to witness the procedure ( Not that I am the chairman of selectors or something) , Chennai Super kings went about the ritual just like how it had been performed 10-12 times before in this month. Here are some of the conclusion :

1) In the prematch warm up session, Anirudha Srikkanth was running around the Chepauk stadium as though he was going to be fielding at Third man. After seeing the match , the number of times Srikkanth ran across the ground to serve water , we can understand why he took the pre-match exercise so seriously

2) Murali Vijay thinks he is the Hindu version of Santa Claus . The number of chances he gifts per game are as many as the number of sixes he scores per game!

3) CSK treat the IPL like gully cricket. Win the toss, bat first is their motto. Dhoni,their star player makes it a point to steal singles off the last ball . They call it ‘Gaaji’ in local language.

4) Ajit Agarkar 3.0 is the same as 2.0 is same as 1.0 . If he thinks he has found his line , length and rhythm back , he has to understand that cricket is played on Planet earth and not on Mars.

5) Just for around half an hour ,the entire city of chennai was gasping for its breath as Irfan Pathan was contributing to the game in a positive fashion. His last over however proved beyond doubt that he is one of Dhoni’s favourites. The ones he chooses to slaughter like a butcher in those road side Shops.

6) Irfan Pathan is India’s Misbah ul haq minus class plus delusions ( he thinks’ he is an all rounder).

7) Now that Sakshi Mahendra Singh Dhoni  is on board, can we see less of Joginder Sharma ? Even as a water boy, his contributions are poor. Let alone getting whacked all over the park.

8 ) Dwayne Bravo is the vertically challenged Kieron Pollard (while fielding atleast)

Conclusions from the footy world!

1) Javier Hernandez and the Goal line form the muggle equivalent of Priori Incantantem. They just cant’ get enough of each other.

2) Peter Crouch has taken the job of putting a team into Champions League every season quite personally. Last season it was Tottenham , this time it is Manchester city.

3)  Guys who have maggi noodles as hair are cute. They are cuter when they are angry. They are ‘ Choo chweet ‘ when they throw their hands up in the air and scream ” Hes not my Man ” . Ancelloti was not very impressed.

4) Maxi Rodriguez scored his second hat-trick in four games for Liverpool. In other news , Dexter has quit serial killing. And Ted has introduced his god-damned wife to his children , who were feeling a little bastardly.

5) Arsenal got their customary end of season thrashing. And this time, it was not from the children of UNICEF.