(a) You need to set up a voice mail , in which you have to accent-ise every word . Yes, no one is going to leave you a voice mail.

(b) When you speak to an American and he doesn’t follow what you are saying, make sure you say the same thing with more accent. Stretch your U’s , make your A’s sound like Aaaah’s.). If he still doesn’t get it, in all likelihood he is deaf or he thinks you are a retard.

(c) You have to say Jesus Christ to express shock even if you are a sworn Hindu . You may insert the ‘F’ word in the middle in times of calamity. After the crowd has heard you, switch back to praying to Ganesha.

(d) In the phrase, “Oh-my-God. That’s so awesome” . The So has more than 10 O’s.

(e) ”Hey , wasssup ? ” has to be your standard greeting. Anything other than this automatically reduces your american-ness.

(f)Do the knuckle punch, when you say “Hi”. When you do that, make sure you don’t make your mouth look weird.

(g) Make sure that you have an american name or an abbreviation for your name. When you do that, kindly make sure it has atleast one alphabet from your Indian name.For example, Tom cannot be your nickname if your your name is Dwarapalaka Rajasekara Reddy . However, you are eligible to keep ‘Ted”‘. The ‘E’ helps.

(h) Use google to find out about the ‘grooovy’ eat outs . Make a list.Make sure that you know how it is pronounced . Learn the most popular dish out there. Start telling your Indian friends that you have been there and had that.Practice hard. This is to just make sure that when the American talks to you about that place, you don’t have to feel like he is abusing you.

(i) Anything red is not MEAT. They also use tomatoes.

(j) Please do not say ” Gimme a Veggie burger” . It sounds like “Please gimme a Wedgie Burger”.

(k) Do not do any of the above to  Desis. With desis you can still say “Maa ki…” to express shock and veggie for veggie burger and not set up a voice mail.

To be continued…

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